August 13, 2020

The Tonight Show: At Home Edition (Trevor Noah, DJ D-Nice)

-Go.

♪♪ Hi, everyone.

Welcome to “The Tonight Show:At Home Edition.

” I want to thank Franny andWinnie for being the music.

Thank you guys so much.

Gary the dog is here.

We're all good.

Alright, that's good.

That's perfect.

That's great.

Thank you.

That's perfect.

Winnie drew this.

Thank you very much, Winnie.

This is beautiful.

We have a great show tonight.

We have — Trevor Noahis on the show tonight.

Doing amazing stuffover at “The Daily Show.

” Also, DJ D-Nice did adance party on Instagram that everyone was talking about.

So I interview D-Niceand find out all the good thingshe's been up to.

But first, let's just start theshow with some jokes.

Let's go.

Hi, guys.

Before we getinto our monologue, which is hot offthe presses — ow! — I want to say thank you so muchfor watching this show.

Thank you, youtube.

com.

YouTube has been great airingthese shows so so many people can see it early.

And, also, if you go toyoutube.

com/fallontonight, if you're there right now or ifyou're watching this on NBC, who also we thank, next toour link, there's a “donate” button.

That will go to nokidhungry.

org.

So, that's the way youcan donate to that, and anything can help.

Speaking of helping, I was thinking about this, and if there's any way –Your local food pantry — Google where that is.

“Where is my local food pantry?”They all need help.

Right now, out where I am, EastHampton Food Pantry is desperate for anythingon the shelves.

So if you go stocking up, wherever you are, just get an extra can of soupand drop it off to — What? -Or a case of soup.

-Or a case of — Yeah, well, ifyou can get a case of soup.

I guess people are buyingthings by the cases.

Go to Costco and get, like, a pallet of soup and drop one can off to the — Is that whatyou're saying, honey? Off to the food pantry.

So — But anything you can, really, think about — That'd be great if you could.

It's weird times right now.

I'm standing in front ofan odd tree.

I don't even know where I am inthe house, but it's there, and I'm not going totalk about it.

But I see true colors ofpeople are coming out, and everyone's beingvery creative now.

And it's kind of aheartwarming thing to see.

There's also the other sideof people, too, because I was walking my dogthe other day with my camera operator, who's my wife.

And I don't walk like this.

What was I doing? So, I was walking normally.

And everyone crossing the street because it's sociallydistancing, which is great.

But just because you're doingthat doesn't mean you don't have to smile or wave.

You can do that.

You don't have to notbe a person.

You can be like, “Hello.

” You know, you can do that, can't you? Can you say “Hello”?You can do that.

“Hey, good to see you.

“I mean, we're far enough away.

We really are.

Like, I'd say more than 6 feet.

12 feet.

Anyway, I'm really seeingeveryone being creative on the Internet and everything, and so let's get to somemonologue jokes right now.

And then, after that, by the way, we'll do — We're doing our interviews, but we also have kind of a “best of” iswhat we're doing.

Best of the “The Tonight Show”this whole week and as long aswe have to do this.

So, these are clipsthat make you happy and maybe, like, just kind of get that balance back in life.

So, you'll see Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone.

What?! Yes! It's awesome.

Alright, here we go.

Here he is, Jimmy Fallon![ Imitates cheering ] Thank you very much.

Welcome to “The Tonight Show.

” Oh, I forgot.

My sister gave me a joke.

Gloria Fallon, I'll give you props for this.

She said, “Hey, guys, a lot of us have entered our second week of quarantineand hopefully have enough food, water, and skin left onyour hands.

.

.

from washing.

-Good one.

-I know.

Now here we go.

Welcome to “The Tonight Show, “everybody, “At Home Edition.

” I hope everyone is doing okay.

I had a tough weekend.

The governor of New Yorkdeclared me the definition of nonessential.

Why you do me like that? Well, it's week two ofself-quarantine, and we're all feeling cooped up.

Today, my Amazon Alexa askedto give me — sorry — asked me to give it some space.

“Please back 6 feet off me.

” As if thingsaren't crazy enough, now the weather is insane, as temperatures havedropped in half.

It's like the weather caughtwhatever the stock market has.

Honestly, who cares aboutthe weather, right? We're all inside anyway.

I was watching the news today, and the weather guy turned to the sports guy and waslike, “Why are we even here?” [ Laughs ] Why are we even here?To deafening silence.

Listen to this, guys.

I saw that Audible is nowoffering free audiobooks for kids stuck at home.

So if Disney+ didn't hold yourkids' attention, I'm sure Ben Stein reading”War and Peace” will do the trick.

I heard that Best Buy announcedthat they're now offering curbside servicewith no human contact.

When they heard, Best Buy'sGeek Squad was like, “What's human contact?” This is cool.

One of our guests tonight, DJ D-Nice, hosted a social-distancingdance party on Instagram Live.

That's right — asocial-distancing dance party, or as it's also known, every middle-school dance.

I read that since the increasein toilet-paper shortages, people have been buyingmore bidets.

Yeah, it can act as a greatsubstitute for toilet paper and, if you're really desperate, a soda stream.

[ Laughs ] I learned about an onlinetoilet-paper — I don't know.

Why is that funny? I read about –Oh, I heard about an onlinetoilet-paper calculator that tells you how longyour supply will last.

So if you think you're bored, imagine being the guy who just created an onlinetoilet-paper calculator.

[ Laughs ] This is crazy.

I saw that Germanyhas now banned gatherings of more than two people.

Yep, a two-person gathering or, as it's known in Russia, a 40th high-school reunion.

[ Russian accent ]We only ones who make it.

Our classmates were the foundation ofthis school.

.

.

literally.

They're in the foundation.

They're in the cement somewhere.

[ Normal voice ]And, finally, this is amazing.

I read that the movie”Pretty Woman” hit theaters 30 years ago today.

Do you remember that? Not “Pretty Woman.

“I mean going to a movie theater.

That's our monologue, everybody.

What?! -Whoo-hoo! -Now it's time to do a bit thatwe normally do on the show where I play a cowboy characterwho's kind of ignorant and just tells it like it is, and he tells thingsto go on and git.

We're going to usea teleprompter thing, an app that I got.

I don't know if it'sgoing to work or not, so just bear with us.

Here is “Go On, Git.

” Hey, guys.

It's time for “Go On, Git.

” Is this Grandpa Juvonen's hat?-Dad.

-It's your dad's hat.

-Mm-hmm.

-So, this is an actual, realcowboy's hat.

-Definitely.

-And I putmy cowboy boots on that I got a couple years ago, and it took meabout an hour to put them on.

And I think I'm just gonnahave to leave them on all week.

Alright, here we go.

That's our teleprompter thingthat we're using right now, and we'll see if it works.

Alright, it's time for “Go –“Oh, here we go.

It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to.

And there are a few thingsI'd like to say goodbye to right now.

It's time for “Go On –“It's not working.

It's time for “Go On –“Here we go.

It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to.

And there are a few thingsI like to say goodbye to right now.

It's time for “Go On, Git.

” ♪♪ Go on, git, every single companysending e-mails about what they're doing to”deal” with coronavirus.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm glad everyone'sbeing careful at the SacramentoHoliday Inn Express I went to one time on a road trip in 2006, but I didn't need an e-mailtelling me about the complimentary mini-muffin bar will be closeduntil further notice.

Now, go on, gitto the spam folder.

♪♪ Go on, git, insanely cheap plane tickets.

Oh, really?Flights to Miami are $17? You don't say.

You know damn well thatit's irresponsible to take a nonessential flightright now.

Then again, $17 to Miami.

I mean, the Cuban sandwichesthere are — No! I turn my back on you, temptation.

Git!♪♪ Go on, git, organic peanut butter.

You ain't nothing but a dangswimming pool of oil.

I got to stir you around, stir you, and stir you around.

Git.

♪♪ Go on, git, seasonal allergies.

Read the ding-dang room.

This is not the righttime for you to be showing up.

Usually, you're a minor annoyance, but now one sneeze, and my family is changing into hazmat suits and making me sleepin the dang-dung basement.

So go on, git, seasonal allergies and take pet dander with you.

♪♪ Go on, git, spam phone calls, calling me frommy own dang number.

I know it's probably a scam, but I can't takethe chance and not pick up.

What if it's me from the future, and I need help becauseI'm trapped in a basement? How long have I been in there? Don't worry, future me.

I'm coming for you.

.

.

unlessit is a spam number.

Then why don't you go on, git.

Alright, everybody.

That's been “Go On, Git.

” Hopefully you enjoyed it.

We'll be right backwith more “Tonight Show.

” ♪♪ -Is this thing working?-[ Laughs ] -Oh, what's up, Jimmy Fallon? Do you want me to turnmy screen sideways, as well? I can do that.

-Ooh.

-Does that work for you? -Yeah, definitely worksfor me, man.

What are you doing it on, a laptop, or you got an iPad? -I've got an iPhone, man.

I'm in San Francisco.

That's where I am.

[ Laughs ]-This does — Are you really in — You shouldn't be outside.

You're on lockdown.

-Oh, man.

What's going on?Are we starting yet? When are we starting? -This could be startingright now.

It's so good to seeyour face, man.

How are you dealing? Where are you right now?-I'm actually at home.

Don't get disappointed.

Hold on.

I'm gonna try to show you –I've never used this before.

I'm trying to find — Hold on.

I can — “None.

” So, yeah, I'm actually at home.

I'm sorry.

-Ah, beautiful.

-Are you in, like, a cabin? Where is this place? Have you been kidnapped? -No, no, no.

I'm totally –This is home.

I'm in like kind of a –It's like a guest room, but it lookslike a cabin type of room.

-Who are your guests? Hunters? [ Both laugh ] -Dude, this has all changedsince the quarantine started.

This was just a normal room, and now I've become, like, a hunter-gatherer type of thing.

-Right.

This is like you preparing for the new worldpost-the coronavirus apocalypse.

-Oh, dude, I'm making weaponsout of tripods and everything.

I don't know what — How are you handlingthe social distancing and the self-quarantiningand all that? -I'm not gonna lie to you, Jimmy.

I haven't noticed any differencein my life.

I am genuinely — I'm not eventrying to be funny here.

Some people are gonna saythis is a joke.

There's no jokes.

Like, I have experiencedno change in my world.

So, my whole life I've beenan indoor kid, right? I love playing outside, but I was like the — My mom had to chase meout of the house to go and play with other kids, 'cause I was like, I wanted to be at home.

I wanted to play video games, and I wanted to watch TV.

I don't go outside.

I don't need to go outside.

Like, people always — You knowhow people will be like, “But it's such a beautiful day.

Why don't you go outside?” No.

I don't care.

-Really? You like being inside? -I don't like being inside.

I love being inside.

I live inside.

That's me.

So I — Like, my lifehasn't changed other than the stress ofwhat's happening in the world.

Like, just — 'cause I feelfor what's happening.

I'm worried about what's gonnahappen in the world for people economically.

You know, I thinkon a health level, we're probably gonnaget this thing under control.

But I worry about the effects for the –just every economy in the world and how that affectsthe poorest people first.

That's the thingthat stresses me out.

But, like, for me, I'm not even gonna lie to you and say I have been stressedin any way.

I am completely fine.

I also startedintermittent fasting just before coronavirus started, so I — I don't eat — 'cause I realizedI don't need to eat.

I realized someone tricked meinto believing that I need three mealsor five meals a day or something like that.

So now I eat — I don't eatfor 18 hours in a day, and then I'll eatfor, like, the rest of the — But I eat like a few things, and then I'm done.

My mom does the same thing.

-I started thatlike two weeks ago, and then when this happened, I stocked up on so much food that I — I've never eatenmore in my life.

I've never eaten more food, because I don't want itto go to waste, and I go, “You're not gonnato finish that? You can't waste it.

This is –We need it now more than ever.

” And I just — I'm eatinglike six — six meals a day.

-No, my friend.

No, I've done the complete opposite, 'cause my thing isI didn't buy — I didn't buy a bunch of stuff.

Like, I think — I get why people were panicking, but you know what it is? Living in New Yorkhas taught me not to panic because people panic every year.

When they say, like, there's gonna be a blizzard, then people rush out.

And I've noticed people –Maybe this is an American thing.

People don't knowwhat to buy in an emergency.

-[ Laughs ] -That's what I've noticed.

-I totally agree, because you've seen it or because you've done it? -No, because I've seen it.

-Yeah.

-Like, when people say there'sgonna be a blizzard in New York, and they say it's gonna belike 12 inches of snow, and we might not be ableto go anywhere, I've seen people buy — Like, they rush out, and all the bread is gone.

Bread is the worst thingto buy for a disaster.

Like, bread is — it's — There's mold.

-It doesn't last.

-It doesn't last.

-No, I agree.

-And then, like nowwith coronavirus, people are buying toilet paper like coronavirus is going tomake you just go on a rampage in the bathroom or something.

You don't needthat much toilet paper.

-Yeah, it's a lotof toilet paper talk.

My friend bought fourgiant things of canola oil, and I go, “Wow.

Do you plan on deep frying? I mean, what's — what's happeningin your quarantine?” [ Both laugh ] It's — they go, “I don't know.

I just bought it'cause it was there.

” -I realized, you know what it is? The problem with coronavirusis that it's invisible, 'cause if coronaviruswas zombies, we wouldn't be acting like this.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah.

-Like, if coronavirus was actual zombieswalking through the streets, no one would be like, “I'll take my chances.

” -Yeah.

No, exactly.

They would be lockingtheir door 10 times.

And — yeah, you're right.

So, yeah, that's a good idea.

Pretend there are zombiesout there.

Is it — Is it –I know Comedy Central is now airing your showon Comedy Central, which is awesome, 'cause a lot of people don't have the Internetor don't understand it, like people likeI would say my dad.

So he's so happyto have my show on TV.

He's like, “Finally I can watch.

” Is it odd telling jokeswith no laughter? -Yeah, it's very weird, because I've — one of the first things I didwas work as a stand-up comedian.

That's been my career for, what, going on 14, 15 years now.

So it's –I've never told jokes — I've never justtold jokes to myself.

That's like the first signof madness in my opinion.

So I've never stood in frontof the mirror and been like, “You see what happened today?” I've never done that.

So it's weird.

-I used to practice –I used to practice my stand-up.

There was a piece of brick wall in my apartmentwhere I lived in L.

A.

, and I had a mic stand, and I stood in frontof the brick wall.

-Are you serious?-And used to do acts in my bedroom by myself, my whole routine.

-That is –So you're made for this, then.

-Yeah, this is –Finally, this is my — I finally found my medium.

-You're the corona king.

You're the corona king.

No, like, it's weird.

It's weird doing the showwithout an audience, because I thinkit's always a reminder — After like every jokeor every moment, it's always a reminder ofthe time we're living through.

You know? So —Yeah.

-The thing I'm trying to do is I'm tryingto inform my audience.

I'm trying to stay informed.

I still don't believe anybody should be watching news24 hours a day, because the truth isnews has to tell you news.

So they're gonna find bad thingsto tell you for 24 hoursto make the thing continue.

-That's correct.

-But I don't think it's healthy.

So for me, I go, hey, I knowa lot of people watch my show because they just wantto catch up on essential news, and then they want to carry onliving their lives.

And I — I'm honored that peoplewould have me provide that.

So that's what I do.

I work with my team.

Everyone's at home.

We make the show.

It's weirdbecause you just say a thing, and then nothing happens.

Like, this is great right now.

This is like — -You get a littleback and forth, exactly.

-Yeah.

-I'm loving this, yeah.

It's good that you're doing thisand making a lot of people — You know, again, the severityof what's happening, but also it providesa little bit of balance.

So thank you.

-Yeah, because I think that's the thing iswe have to remember the balance.

We're not staying at homebecause everyone's gonna die.

We're doing this preemptively.

We're trying to preventa disaster from happening, and so we have to dothe boring thing.

Prevention is always boring.

-Yeah.

-You know what I mean? -That's not the partof the zombie movie you like.

-Exactly.

Exactly.

Nobody — Like, in the beginningof a zombie movie, there's always the doctorwho's like, “We need to quarantineeverybody.

There's something spreading.

” And they're like, “Shut up, Klaus!” -[ Laughs ]-You know what I mean? -Yeah, he's not anyone'sfavorite character.

-Yeah.

And then when the zombieoutbreak happens, then he's like, “I tried to warn everybody.

” -Yeah, and then they –and he gets attacked.

-Exactly.

Yeah.

“Aah.

” -Yeah.

The charity that we'rementioning tonight is No Kid Hungry.

-Yes.

-Why this charity? -Well, here's the thing.

There are millionsof kids in America who get their food from school.

There are millionsof kids in America who might get one of their onlynutritious meals at school.

And in closing the schools, which I understand was necessary for many people, we also have to acknowledge how many children now no longerhave access to that one meal or that one nutritious mealthat they were having every day.

And I think it's reallyimportant for us, especially inthis moment in time, to try and support thosein our communities who are the mostaffected by this — people who don't earna lot of money, people who are low-income.

This is all throughoutthe country, you know, from Idahoto New York, from California throughto Kentucky and Delaware.

There are people — The peoplewho are gonna get affected first and the most are peoplewho have the lowest incomes, people who don't earn the most, people who livefrom paycheck to paycheck.

So for me, you know, feeding kids is somethingyou take for granted.

I know what it was liketo grow up in a home where we didn't have foodall the time.

I know what it was like to go for two or three nightsnot eating, and I don't think any kid shouldever have to go through that.

So for me, you know, I thinkwhatever we can contribute — and it's — a little — you know, a lot of a littlemakes a lot.

And so for me, it's everyone just chipping in and saying, “Hey, we'll help.

We'll help feed these kids.

Let's keep the kids fed.

” Think about their parents, who are oftentimes working in the industries that we need themto stay in right now.

People who don't earnminimum wage or maybe just earn minimum wage, working in grocery storesthat you need to stay open, working in pharmacies thatyou need to stay open, working in all of these places you need to stay opento survive.

They also have kids.

Their kids might have beengetting food from their schools.

So for me, I think everyone, ifpossible, whatever you can give.

I know not everybody can, but everyone who can give, try and give a little.

-Whatever you can give.

Even a dollar, anything isjust — Everything matters.

So please, right now, they would love it.

Trevor, you're the bestfor doing this, buddy.

Thank you for doing your show, but thank you for doing my show.

And keep up andkeep people balanced, please.

Thank you so much for everythingyou're doing, buddy.

-Thank you, Jimmy.

Thank you so much.

And I'm gonna send the policeto your house, 'cause I think someone's buriedin the basement.

If I look at that room, and the FBI told me that they found someonein that house, I'd be like, “How did nobody knowsomeone was in that house?” -This is — This is like –is it like “Misery”? Thanks so much, bud.

I appreciate this.

-I'm heading backto San Francisco now.

So, enjoy being stuckin your house.

-Wow, you got there fast.

-Say hi to Gavin for me.

-You enjoy yourself in your house, Jimmy Fallon.

-Bye, buddy.

Bye, buddy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-Alright, cool.

♪♪ -Yo.

-What's up, man? -Yo, come on!-[ Laughs ] Ah, man.

-What did do you?What did you do? Oh, my gosh.

-Man, man.

Life, man.

I just wanted to do somethinggood for people, and it turned into somethingreally good.

So unexpected.

-It was really good.

I loved it so much.

D-Nice, it's an honor.

Thank you so muchfor doing this.

I appreciate you doing “TheTonight Show” at-home edition.

What you're doing isexactly what we need.

You're bringing people up.

You're lifting people's spirits.

I got an e-mail from a friendthat said, “Do you see whatD-Nice is doing right now?” And I was like, “What?” And they're like, “He'sdeejaying for like nine hours.

This dance party thing, “and I go, “What?” So I went to your liveInstagram, and when I was there, it was already — I mean, firstof all, how did it come about? Let's start there.

-It started — I was sittinghere at home, you know, just — I was alone and, you know, I wanted to just play music for my friends and I hada small Instagram following, you know, and I wanted to playit for, like, my friends, you know, and create an Instagram live, and I was deejaying, and it wasjust like people, you know, from the music industry.

You know, Questlove would pop in.

Black Thought –actually Black Thought was the one that was like, “Yo, you should just playsome music, D.

Let's do it.

” And it was a small groupof like 200 people, and then it turned — the nextday it was 2, 000 people.

Then the day after thatit was 12, 000 people.

And then Friday wasthe one where it was, like, “Wow, there's 25, 000 peoplein here.

” Then all of a sudden J.

Lopopped in and I was like, “Wait, J.

Lo's in here?” And then 10 minutes later, Drake was in thereand I was like, “Wow.

” -Oh, this is a party.

-“This could be something.

” And then Saturday was — you know, I mean, it was like 100, 000 people.

-Oh, my goodness! That's when I checked it out.

It was 100, 000.

It was like — I was like, “This is so much fun.

” When I was there, Kamala Harris jumped in.

Buju Banton was there.

-Yes.

[ Laughs ] -It was like the craziest mix ofpeople coming together.

-Joe Biden.

You know, Michelle Obama was there.

Janet Jackson was there.

-Ellen DeGeneres.

Were you nervous knowing thatMichelle Obama was in there? -I was.

I was nervous and eventhough I deejayed for them, I played, you know, the secondto the last party at the White Houseand did the inaugural ball, there was something about, like, in that setting where I'm, like, really at home.

Like, this is my kitchen.

-Wow.

-I'm deejaying in my kitchen, and somethingthat I was doing in my kitchen was able to touch the world.

Like, it was just beautiful.

It was beautiful.

-It really was a great thing.

I loved it so much.

#clubquarantine is whateveryone was calling it.

And it was the number-oneworldwide trend.

-Wow.

[ Laughs ] -It was just — Did you, like, get nervous whenthe numbers started going up and you kept seeing all thosehearts flying around, like — -I saw the hearts flying around, and I wasn't nervous because I was –my core friends that we started this withwere still in there.

So it was the average person.

Then there was Kelly Rowland, and it was — but Kelly — they had been there and theywere, like, cheering it on, like, oh, my gosh, because wehad never maxed 25, 000.

It was like let's seeif we can get it to 30, 000.

Oh, my gosh, we're at 30, 000, and it just kept climbing.

When it reached like –it was 98, 000 people, and then all of a sudden, Mark Zuckerberg logged in, and we were like, “Wait, Mark, what are you doing here? Please don't shut us off.

Let us get to 100, 000.

” And he posted –he posted “You got this, ” and as soon as it hit 100, 000, everyone just went crazy.

I was in here like, oh, my gosh, like — -I mean, it's — I mean, 'cause as a deejay, you feed off the crowd, right? -Yes.

-But you have no crowdin your kitchen.

Did you still get the same typeof excitement or more? -I received the same type ofexcitement, but it's — actuallyI would say more.

You know why? Because when you're feeding offof the crowd, you're trying toplay for the crowd.

I'm watching body languages, and I'm trying to get them — I want them to hearwhat they want.

100, 000 people were in that liveto hear what I wanted to play, like, and I was able to playfrom my heart.

I love music, so I was able to play — stop the musicand play Kenny Rogers.

You would never hearKenny Rogers in a hip-hop club.

So I was able tojust do what I love, and it was beautifulto experience.

-What's next? Are there gonna bemore dance parties? What's next? -Man, I have one on Wednesday.

I'm trying to do themmaybe like every other day.

Not every day the wayI was doing it.

I didn't expect itto become this, but, you know, just give people a break andallow them to be more excited about it and, look, it's justbeen a beautiful thing.

I want to continue.

As long as we're doing this, as long as we're quarantined, at least do my part, which is through entertainment to touch people, to bring people together.

-Exactly right, and that's what you're doing, and I can't even tell you.

So Wednesday night, what time should we tune in? -3:00 p.

m.

Pacific time, 6:00 p.

m.

Eastern Standard Time.

I'm just going to go in, like, after work, people get to hear musicand dance together.

-It's on Instagram.

Follow @dnice, one word.

-Yes.

-And it was so enjoyable and Ican't tell you how happy I was.

I was yelling at you throughmy phone like, “Yes, go!” It was so great.

I loved it.

You made so many people happy.

I can't even tell you, like, how it's — to go worldwide like that, you got to be proud, and thank you for doingwhat you're doing.

It was so cool.

-Thank you.

I appreciate you, man.

I appreciate you.

-I'm a big fan.

Bye, buddy.

Thank you.

-Bye, buddy.

Peace.

-Thank you guysso much for watching.

Nokidhungry.

org.

Please, go donate.

Give what you can.

Guys, wash your hands.

Don't touch your face.

And I can't waitto see you tomorrow.

Thank you so muchfor watching our show.

Go, Win.

Go, Fran.

Here I come! -Boo!.

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